Grieving

With the happy news of having a baby comes a complex and highly emotional dilemma of what to do about acting. It is NOT part of the plan that I “quit” acting. It took me a long time to figure out that this is what I was meant to do – I’m not “giving up” on it just because a new little human will be demanding my attention for the immediate future. This is a bit of a sore subject for me because it is usually one of the first questions I’m asked when I tell people the news. Really people? I hope you know me better than that. It’s shocking to me the amount of people who expect me to throw in the towel because now I’ll have a baby – like I don’t deserve or want a career anymore. Not a chance. I’m in this for life.GrievePost

However, I have had to deal with my own demons of insecurity. Because realistically I WILL have to take time off and I’m unsure what this will mean both personally and professionally. I’ve had to go through a sort of grieving process and really allow myself to accept the unknown. I’m not good with unknowns. What I did was journal some of my deepest, darkest thoughts in one long stream of conscious entry. After I write down everything that comes into my mind for 15-20 minutes, I rip out the pages, tear them up and toss them. Gone. Forever. Those thoughts are no longer welcome in my world. I did this every day until I started to feel better. It may sound like I’m self inflicting wounds on myself, and I am in a way. It’s also quite cathartic. I’m purging the nasty thoughts that I am not good enough/worthy enough/you name it enough and opening up a space in my heart for healing.

And, amazingly, it’s working. After a couple of weeks of grieving, I got to work. Clarification – I made the decision to get to work. Because it would have been too easy to stay self loathing forever.

The outcome: I hired an editor for my short film Babymoon. We’re nearly finished. I’ve written more scripts. Alongside pediatrician interviews, hospital tours and birthing classes, I’ll be shooting two more projects. I plan to submit them to film festivals. This is how I will feed my creativity while I’m out of the traditional acting game for a little while. Creating my own work.

As my mentor told me recently, I won the lottery on this one. My baby gets to grow up with a mom who is so incredibly passionate about her purpose and that’s rare in this world. That’s the kind of role model I want to be.

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